At last, the final part of this little diatribe: “Committing to something we love just because we love it opens us up to scorn as well as peer pressure to conform (i.e. not be original, unique, or creative).”
We are a culture that criticizes people for wanting to be unique, and questions any passion a person has for a trade, creative endeavor, or pastime. There is a lot of mainstream discussion about being “happy,” but it is often focused on doing so within the strictures of cultural norms. That is to say, no one wants to encourage a rebel.
I know, those are broad generalizations. I have friends who encourage my rebellion, and I hope you do to. I’m talking more about the social pressures we feel concerning matters like this; for example, tell people that your dream is to rally race across Europe (or climb the Himalayas, or rebuild a 1959 Chevy, or quit your job to backpack through South America) , and see the reactions you get. See how you feel saying it, too. Uncomfortable? Wrong? That’s the social conditioning talking; after all you, you haven’t really committed to quit your job and run away from home. You are just talking about an idea! But it’s disconcerting, isn’t it?
But hating on something is easy, and accepted. It’s far more the cultural norm, far more common, and gets you far more respect than loving something (well, outside of loving kids and puppies and kittens and ice cream). Everyone has a right to hate what they hate, and even an unpopular dislike (“I hate Disneyland!”) will get you some modicum of respect.
Deciding to love something opens those opinions to criticism. If I tell someone, “I hate call center jobs and will never work at one ever again,” they mostly smile and nod sympathetically; if I tell that same person, “I enjoy writing and am going to make a career of it,” usually (almost always, honestly) the first words out of their mouth is, “it’s hard to make a living at that.”
Anyway, to figure out what I love, I had to be ready to defend it, something that was difficult to do when I was not even sure of what I loved yet.
The crucial point I was missing was that I don’t need to defend my choices or my explorations. It’s my right to decide this on my own, and while I might invite objective criticism, anyone who wades into the waters with demands for justification is simply out of line. It’s not their problem, and if they cannot share my excitement and happiness, then it their responsibility to STFU.
There are, of course, people for whom it IS their problem, such as family members and/or business associates, but I think — hope! — that they are usually already well advised to the situation. They are in the minority, though; we really, really do NOT need the approval or encouragement of everyone we know. It would be awesome to have but what we really need to depend on is self-approval born out of confidence. Yeah, easy to say, I know!
Anyone who admits to loving something, be it comic books or romance novels or doing calligraphy or making movies or training show dogs, is going up against a wall of criticism. The passive acceptance and even approval we get for hating something disappears on the reverse side, and turns into a demand to critically justify our passions. We don’t have to, though. That’s the hardest part for me, to nod and smile at someone who decides it’s in my “best interest” to “get realistic” about my goals and ambitions, ignore them, and just continue planning on doing what I need to do. This is about ME, in the end. MY life.
And I really am tired of hating it. I’ve done that for most of my life, and it never got me anywhere good. I’m still learning what I love, and that makes things difficult sometimes, no lie. Whatever happens, though, I’m doing what I love, which counts for a lot damnit!
