A co-worker’s nephew, who was only in his early 30s, dropped dead a few weeks ago. He did have some health issues but they were being managed so this came as a huge shock to the family.

Given my extensive experience with grief and mourning, I’m always caught flatfooted trying to relate to people when something like this happens to them. Mostly that is because I don’t have the crutches that religious people have: the platitudes that convey sympathy and understanding without having to dig too deeply into the pain:

“I’ll pray for you.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“He’s at peace now.”

And so on. There just are not too many non-deist platitudes that don’t sound snarky, and while I’m a big fan of snark, that is obviously not the time for it. Mostly I fall back on “you/you’re loved ones are in my thoughts” which is just LAME. At least when you say you will pray for somebody, it implies some form of effort. It’s considerate and thoughtful. It is also not something I can say with a straight face or any integrity.

If the conversation goes on for more than a couple of seconds, though, I do have a stand by: “Tell me about them.”

Grief is so scary to people that platitudes are easier. In fact most people find that it’s easier to ask about the funeral than about the person who actually died. I’ve received looks of such gratitude from grievers when I ask them to tell me about their loved one.

It’s a relief to remember.

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