[foregoing the usual “REC Saturday” post in order to herald in the New Year!]
I turned 41 back in August. This is not something I have much of an opinion about as a number as I don’t have a lot of baggage associated with “growing older.” However a loooong time ago, I decided that 40 is the age where I totally break out, where it all comes together, when I finally become a strong woman.
I’m not sure why I decided that when I was in my teens, for pity’s sake, but I did.
And lo! It came to pass. Just totally not in the way I thought. I dreamed 40 would be the culmination of years of “becoming”, the point where everything comes together in a glorious package of success, maturity, and sex appeal.
Instead, 40 was the culmination of years of walking backwards, and resulted in 2010 being tumultuous and full of upheaval. If you don’t know me personally, here’s a short recap:
Started 2010 in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage; both cars broke down in February ($$$); filed for divorce in March; divorce finalized in April; got laid off in April (wasn’t much of a job, but it was an income); applied for graduate school in May; travelled to see friends/family for the first time in a decade in both May and June; turned 41 in August; started grad school in September; ex-husband finally moved out in September; my car finally died for good in October; visited family for Thanksgiving (first thanksgiving with my own family in nearly 20 years).
In the midst of all that, one of my erotic short stories got published, I wrote Grieving Futures, started this blog, changed my diet completely to living Primally (Paleolithic “diet”), created my .net website “hub”, developed and launched my erotica writing persona online, re-organized my entire house, picked up doing art again, and…something else I’ll think about later.
Crunched up altogether like this, it looks pretty impressive. What it really was, though, was exhausting. The divorce is in the bittersweet category – for the best, but still painful – and losing my car was a hard, hard hit. Otherwise, though, most of this is pretty progressive. Very dangerous!
So I have to admit to myself, my fortune telling was correct: 40 was the year I got my shit together. It was not what I expected or even asked for, but looking back, it is what I needed.
I’m thinking, now, that 50 is when I will hit my prime. I’ll be devastating, in a powerful and positive way. I don’t mind waiting for that, because it’s going to take some prep work and lots of Dangerous Living. I’m ready. 2011 is another “in the beginning”!
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