In the midst of crisis and therapy and angst, I woke up one day and realized that I had nothing to live for.

It was different from having a reason to die, though! It was not a suicidal realization, it was me seeing my life without blinders or delusions, and it was grim. I was married and had a job and an apartment and two cats…and yet, I could not say that I had a reason to get out of bed in the morning outside of those responsibilities.

I had nothing that was mine, nothing that inspired me or that I looked forward to. When I say I had nothing to live for, I mean I had nothing that gave me purpose or joy or fulfillment.

No part of my life belonged to me. It was all about doing for others or meeting expectations or trying to pay the bills. I was self-absorbed in pastimes that distracted me and kept me domesticated, but they were not activities that answered any part of my soul, my mind, or my heart.

Typically, I shrugged off that realization and kept plodding along. It is a reaction that has served me well through a variety of crises, and in this case it helped me actually get out of bed and get to work. I was not in denial, but I was not really processing either.

Much later I returned to that insight when I tried to read the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

I love indulging in self-improvement texts because I know there is always more to learn. That’s why I subscribe to Chris Guillebeau’s blog Art of Non-Conformity, and Havi’s blog The Fluent Self, and read books like The Art of Living by Ernest Holmes. So when I picked up the famous classic of the genre, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I had high hopes.

I don’t want to come off as if I think it is a bad book. It is a good book, and millions of people have bought it for a reason. Covey’s writing is down to earth and understandable and he approaches many of the problems that many people have in this modern, fast paced and highly technological world with straightforward solutions.

To simplify the book’s message (because it is, actually, a very dense read and not something to speed through), the point is to “put the first thing first”, which is indeed the cornerstone of the whole “7 Habits” philosophy. Covey found this idea so important he expanded upon it specifically in later books. Honestly this is excellent advice, in fact it is the kind observation that cuts to the heart of almost all of our problems. It makes sense: put FIRST thing FIRST. I almost want to add “you moron” at the end because it is just that obvious.

But the problem for me was the step before that: what was my first thing?

Covey has a short section on developing a mission statement and finding your center, but it is grounded on the fact that your life is, essentially, a given. The seven habits are not designed to remake your life, but fine tune the one you are trying to live. Covey assumes that you already know what your First Thing is, and it is just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chaff and writing it down.

This did not work for me, because when I sat down to do that everything came out as chaff. I had no wheat (okay, ironic analogy for someone who is gluten intolerant…moving on…). Simply put, I had no First Thing to Put First. Back to my original insight: I had nothing to live for. I had lots to do, but nothing was a First Thing.

This actually took me a while to figure out. I had to cut through all the things that I thought might be first. Those are the things that other people have told me are important, that I thought I needed or needed to do in order to be “normal” or successful or pretty or whatthefuckever. All those things that weren’t MINE.

Not to say that there are not some universal First Things, like kids for instance. Or maybe a political, social or medical cause that is personally important to you. There can certainly be more than one first thing, I think. The important part is not scientifically slicing and dicing until you discover what you would die for (I imagine you know that already) but to find what it is you would LIVE for.

I never finished reading “7 Habits” but I did find out what I live for, and maybe it is all about convergence anyway. The point is: you may not know it, and you may take a your time discovering it, but your First Thing is there inside of you waiting for its big reveal.

All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up. HA!